Jauhnya perjalanan…

It took me, and all of us, 6 years to complete the journey. That, everyone knows. But literally, the journey I took to attend the ceremony was also, undeniably long.

Went out at 6.15 am (Sunday) but I missed the bus. Kisahnya, the bus bertolak keluar lebih awal dari masa yg sepatutnya. Nasib..

Then, I took 8.30 am bus to Shahab Perdana and arrived there at 10.30 am. This means, I missed my 10 am bus that I was supposed to take with the rest (Ejat, Najat and Wan)

Hoping to take the next buses - 11 am, 3 pm or 5 pm; unfortunately all were sold out.

The only bus left was an 11 pm bus to Ipoh.

I took the bus and arrived in Ipoh at 2 am in the morning. Lucky my brother was able to come and fetch me or else, I’ll be sleeping in Medan Gopeng alone!!!

Then, only the next morning at 9 am I departed to Tanjung Malim and arrived there at 11 am.

Went to take the convocation robe and I had no other choice than to follow Wani to her sister’s house. No raptai or anything.

And the next day, everything went smooth except for my parents who arrived quite late from Ipoh but they finally made it.

Whatever it is, I did it! We did it! Tapi perjuangan harus diteruskan, my service is always needed...

perpisahan itu datang

when i'm writing this, i'm crying. out loud! i just let my roommate for 6 years go. go back for good. i feel so immature. but for me, 'this separation is an excuse to let my heart out.'

first to go were jey and odah.

last nite, it was maddy and kas. one is my 'total cry out' friend and another one is my 3- months-survivor partner.

this morning, it was tikah's time. tikah, u and ur mom rocks! sorry for everything...

this one is special for wani. yes, i cried in front of her, her mom and my other friends. we were hugging each other under the hot sun, but nothing else matters now. i just wanna let my heart out. wani, halalkan semuanya. maafkan semuanya. walaupun kita taklah selalu menggembar-gemburkan yang kita roommate for 6 years, but deep in each of our bottom heart u are my 'bestest' roommate ever. don't forget to keep in touch. i miss u already though we just separated for less than 10 minutes.

in half an hour, its milah's time. i don't how how much tears will flow from my eyes anymore.

then, eva's time.

and tomorrow will be the rest's time.

i'll be missing u guys. it has become a habit for me to be with all of the 24 of u. and now i'll be in the career world alone, but i know u guys will still be with me.

Ya Allah, berkati hidup mereka semua. InsyaAllah.

How hectic my life could be?

For quite some time, writing new entries for my blog became very alien for these reasons that involved the closest and important people around me. Here is the sequence:

1. Out of the blue, Abah ‘sakit mata’. Yang peliknya, it doesn’t look that serious but it took some time to recover.
2. Then, Abah got ‘demam chikungunya’ dan abah panggil demam ni ‘sakit yang tak bawak mati’. Well, actually it’s true. This unusual demam will make all your joints somehow almost go ‘paralysed’. At one point, mak saw abah sitting at one corner of the house and crying to himself. Why? Abah said because it’s too painful that he doesn’t have the guts to burden anyone for help.
3. When abah recovered, then it goes to mak. Since mak is someone who loves to ‘bercerita’ to me, she told me how the suffering goes. She has to crawl to the bathroom (mak kata dia berat so she refuses any offer to help lift her up).
4. FYI, it was not just my abah and mak who were not well but also my tok (my gandma). Tok is bedridden, and getting worse these two months. Just imagine my mak and abah has to take care of my tok while they are also sick at the same time. Lucky them that my mak teh sometimes come to help.
5. After both mak and abah recovered from the ‘weird fever’, abah got ‘kayap’. Pity abah, though sometimes mak complains that abah is ‘manja’.

Glad I was at home, two weeks break. I have to be back to maktab for our Redang trip when the school break is about to start. Knowing that I’ll be away and my sister will be going to Sabah to see her husband, I decided to go take my twin nephews aka their twin grandson back while sending my sister to the Bayan Lepas airport. Just to make sure my mak and abah won’t be alone and feel sunyi at home while their two daughters are not around. Bringing back the two ‘kanak-kanak buas’ is another thing. I have to:

1. Unpack their stuff and arrange them accordingly. Meaning to say, which shirt comes with which pants.

2. Make sure their ‘kereta control’ which was given by their pak su (my younger brother) has enough battery for two weeks.

3. Write down what time they have to wake up, brush their teeth, mandi and sleep everyday.

4. Remind them where they should and should not go or play around, not to bother tok and tok wan when mak cik (it’s me) is not around.

Hectic, yes. But I learn a lot definitely. And now I’m here in maktab attending my 8 hours per day course called KISSM. I am now on the go to be a ‘penjawat awam’ while waiting for my ‘surat penempatan’.

i'm afraid

these few days, this week basically. i feel, somehow:

anxious
frightened
restless
uneasy
yearning

for i do not know what
for i do not who
for i do not know on what reason

i feel like i am somewhere else, when i am actually at one particular place

even scattered around, places i do not know

wondering if i am doing the right thing

choosing one particular person over the other

putting myself into the the secret-self commitment


everything needs justification + i am what i decide + whom to be and to be with

when its written

that evening
come to night
i feel sick, really sick
of the people around me
the nearest, the closest
even those i never know
when u have a wound, and some people put a pinch of salt on top of it!

i really need someone to talk to at that particular moment
but there was no one, only me
in my square own world

i wish my brother was here
he will hug me
put me into his comforting hands and shoulders
under his warm breath

beep beep
019... - r u comin back 2morro

he can totally read my mind
with this electrostatic and magnetic bond of a family

reply: x sure yet

019... - sakit ke

reply: u think

019... - i got new place to bring u, plz

reply... - go on ur own la

019... - not complete

reply: ok

the wound heal

another reason for doing literature

people might laugh and think that i'm weird, but there are certain movies that i watch with a pen and a piece of paper in my hand. why? simple, i love to jot down interesting new words, sayings and quotes.. i'm definitely not a plagiarizer, but in a way, a copier!

and the passion, the sparks for teaching and writing literature come again today after watching this movie...

'dead poet society'

and robin williams' character as Mr. Keating in the movie touched me, one of the characteristics of teacher i would like to have

these are the quotes:

'words and ideas can change the world'

'we don't read and write poetry because it's cute, we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race and human race is filled with passion'

'what is language for? to woo women - Shakespeare'

'we must stand taller to see things differently'

though the ending sacrificed a pioneer character, it means a lot!
as i would say, see the significance...

what i wish to do at this moment!

kissing my mom on the cheeks, the forehead and the nose!

eating what i've been craving for quite so long!
cencaru sumbat

sup tulang kaw

writing on chapter 4 and 5 of my project paper!

finish off mr. nukman's report on bilingualism!

lepaking at the waterfall!

and swim along...

hugging and playing with the kids in my life!

the three stooges

the two lovers

the two cuzzies

watching those interesting movies in my collection!

for the forth time

for the third time

and those i haven't watch...

~and still searching!

mereka yang akan selalu aku kenang

i have no word in mind now to describe them
they are my 24-other-half
it has been 6 years

Ya Allah, continue and embrace this relationship for me, for us!

entri khas dari penembak paling kejam kepada mangsa paling kesian

arini kami pi main paint ball. this is my first time.

entri ini khas aku tujukan buat mangsa2 yang aku rasa paling kesian, dari penembak yang paling kejam.

mula2 skali, ejat!

Ejat!!!
i'm really really really sorry. that was my first 'hands-up' scene to people and aku rasa sebab aku panik kot... my hand was shivering, shaking!
tu yang aku terlepas tembakan yang 'short-range' dan paling kejam aku rasa. sorry. i just can't imagine the situation, it makes me feel terribly guilty.
seriously ejat, masa adik tu tanya ang whether nak tembak balas or not, aku rasa nak tolong jawab 'yes' untuk ang. aku sanggup je kalo ang nak tembak aku bertalu2!
serious aku tak kisah langsung. at least kurang skit rasa guilty aku kat ang. especially when i look at the bruise and bila aku tgk ang bejalan terencot2...

pastu, milah!
milah, aku nak aim tempat lain. tapi tempat tu pulak yang kena. sorry, sorry, sorry. mulanya aku ingatkan tak kena, skali ada bruise jugak.
ish ish...
ang tembak kaki aku sebab kaki aku terkeluar dari shield tu, biasala kaki extra panjang kan. aku pulak pi tembak ang, aku aim tangan sekali kena tempat lain.
sory sesangat ek milah.

dan kepada mangsa2 aku yang lain yang menjadi mangsa penembak paling kejam ni, aku betul2 mintak maaf. tapi aku masih tak puas hati sebab aku tak dapat any 'souvenir' except for wound kat lutut ni yang menyebabkan aku terpaksa sujud dalam keadaan slow mo...

nanti aku tulis lagi entri pasal main paint ball ni ek.
ini cuma ruangan khas, a tribute to all the victims of 'penembak paling kejam'!

kat mamak, sebelum ke medan perang

before action

after action

srikandi2 cohort 2

satu

sepi
sunyi
aku satu.

kelam
malam
aku satu.

kosong
lengang
aku satu.

bintang
bulan
Dia satu.

hati
mati
Dia. aku. satu.

sebab aku abang

You must have heard this in the add on tv currently. I have 4 brothers, 3 elders and one younger.

This is a story of me and my 'incredible' big brother. He's the only one who is still single among my elder brother. He's 28 (or younger, i cant really remember..but i never forget his birthday). Why him?

He's concern about where i go, with whom, by what...
We can share the same 'bantal' watching tv...
He never wake me up whenever I fell asleep in the co-driver seat...
He feels nothing introducing me to his friends i never know...
He's always willing to share his drink though he knows he needs it more than i do...
He cares to top-up my phone anytime i desperately need it...
He holds my hand when we cross the road...
He doesn't mind been called 'driver' to anyone who needs a lift...

I can still remember when I was in Lunas doing my practicum - he's the one who sent me back to quarters during the fasting month..
at night or early in the morning, right after subuh..
The text he replied stuck tight in my mind - 'takpa la, kesian kat ang. ang bukak la posa dulu. satgi aku antaq.' After bukak posa - 'esok pagi la. kesian ang nak bangun sahur sorang2.'

He cares about me had to go back late to maktab for certain reasons, and he is the one who was willing to sent me back.
His replied text - 'alah, stakat s.p tu 4 x sehari pun aku sanggup.'

I once had the courage to ask him WHY, for all the things he does while my other brothers don't bother?

'sebab aku abang'